The Art Of Letting Go
“Maybe the journey isn’t so much about becoming anything. Maybe it’s unbecoming everything that isn’t you so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place.” - Unknown
Sometimes things just fall into place... Well, actually they always fall into place, but sometimes we allow it more than other times.
2017 has been a year rich in experiences for me, a year of change and challenge, learning and growth. There was no shortage of lessons which I am grateful for, but I was beginning to slack on the homework, because of sheer overwhelm and the pressure I have put on myself to handle everything perfectly without skipping a beat.
I am learning that in order to heal I need to first allow myself to feel, reflect, process, notice internal changes, and I was not taking enough time and space to do that. I was carrying too much baggage... too many things, beliefs, emotions, ideas, habits that were no longer serving the person I was becoming and it was weighing me down.
In addition, there were a few areas in the forest of my emotional body that caught fire through the hottest months. I did my best to contain the fire, but it was too powerful to fight and too painful to watch, so I turned away and got busy with other things. It was now time to go back and clean up the mess, welcoming new life.
"And into the forest I go, to lose my mind and to find my soul." John Muir
Lullwater Reserve, Atlanta GA - August, 2017
Let it all go. See what stays.
Long before it started I had a feeling August would be a be a purifying month for me, however I didn't expect quite this scale. I guess I should be careful what I wish for. Or not.
I was beginning to gain clarity and feel relief from some of the internal work I was doing on personal front. It was also time for a move to a different home (different apartment). I moved many times before and know that it is usually painful, but also very liberating experience as I am forced to go through all my stuff and leave a lot behind.
So I thought I'd make the best of it: instead of cringing away from the discomfort of an upcoming change why not fully embrace it? Why not throw a few more things into the mix and do an all-encompassing cleanse? On all levels. Go big or go home. Deal.
Some of it was intentional. But most was intuitive. Cleansing became a theme for a month of August. And as always, the Universe conspired to offer some assistance and extra-carriculum opportunities for practice. My main goal was to create space and to let go of as much as I could... And things started clicking.
Letting go of places and things, cleansing my body, mind and soul, it was a month of introspection, getting to know myself on a deeper level, meeting the person I am evolving into.
"The beautiful journey of today can only begin when we learn to let go of yesterday." - Steve Maraboli
Serenbe Farms, Atlanta GA - July 2017 Photo by Kari Ruff @flamingophoto
Places and Things
It all started with a move. Then took over every other dimension of my life. And I totally went with it.
Moving is a pain. It is stressful and a lot of work. Especially if you have some possessions to work with (what a curse - to own things! #champaignproblems). But it is also a perfect excuse to get rid of some belongings since you are forced to face them and make a decision about their future fate. This comes especially useful when your belongings are filled with emotional content. It is double the pain and double the gain! Or double the loss, rather... A good kind of a loss that is.
I was moving to a smaller apartment and the fact that not all my stuff would fit was becoming pretty obvious. Both very uncomfortable, but very helpful. Limitations are actually blessings in disguise as they provide guidance and frame of reference for our decision making. At least in my book.
Closet was the first area to face the trial. I mercilessly went through my wardrobe ditching the clothes that I didn't use or could go without. Some of it didn't fit, some held sentimental value but was useless otherwise, some fit but I just never had that "perfect" moment to wear - bye! I gave it to friends, or Goodwill, or trash. It was eye-opening to see how much space in my home was occupied by the things that someone else could make a much better use of.
I felt the high of letting go and so I got on the purging roll.
Next came my book shelf, and any other shelf for that matter, and the storage spaces – if I didn’t love it, or needed it – it was out the door.
By the time movers even showed up at my door step I made 3 car-packed trips to Goodwill thus ridding my home and my mind of unneeded clutter.
And then came the day of the move.
Let's just say I was set up for success here from the start. When you move from the fourth floor (no elevator) to another place that is also on the fourth floor (with no elevator!), your motivation to “leave some things behind” significantly increases. And "leave-some-things-behind" I did. Conveniently enough the dumpster was right in between the places of origin and destination.
As luck would have it, the previous tenant at my new place turned out to be a smoker and a procrastinator: he turned in the keys late and my apartment was not liberated from the cigarette stink in time. Long story short, even though I moved all my staff to the new place, I could not stay there for a few days because maintenance people were trying to take care of the cigarette smell with the ozone machine (which did not help by the way, but more on that later).
I chose to stay at my old apartment - naked and white-walled to the eye, but so familiar, cozy and comforting to the heart. I swear that space grew a soul and I could feel it! It had such a loving presence. Even though all the material things were now removed, the energy was still there. All the love, and pain, and hope, and fear experienced there, creativity indulged in, meditation devoted to... I slept in the bedroom, exactly where the bed used to be, but on the floor, like a ghost following the tracks of what seemed to be a long forgotten past... Getting by with just the blanket I left behind. It was the best sleep I had in awhile. So much space, so much freedom in not having all the material triggers consciously or subconsciously pressing on my phsychi. I was not a single bit uncomfortable sleeping on the floor. I actually don't even think I moved through the whole night. I was completely still. Peaceful. At ease.
It brought me back to my first summer in States, when I slept on the floor, 6 roommates in a 2 bedroom apartment with very little furniture. Funny how life works in circles. Or maybe more of a spiral, as I have a different level of awareness now. I remember being so excited, so hopeful. I had so little, which meant I had space for so much - for all the miracles in the world! I feel hopeful and excited today as well, and it was time to make more space for miracles.
***
Moving was so invigorating. I felt completely exhausted physically and emotionally, but I was so empowered at the same time. Like you do after a kick-ass workout you didn't think you were capable to handle, or after daring to try something really scary and intimidating: such a rush, tired, but happy, fearless and hopeful, knowing that you will heal into a much stronger version of you and next time will shoot even higher. I felt like I could take over the world!...right after I slept and replenished my kale reservoirs.
After that I just wanted to clean everything I saw and give away everything I had. I cleaned my car, reorganized my work space, and still continue to scan my new apartment and other spaces I occupy with a critical eye for minimalistic opportunities.
As I began, I have also noticed that it wasn't just me re-newing my environment. My environment was renewing itself. Things that were functioning perfectly before would suddenly break, or tare, as if insisting that they were carrying too many memories from the past, and that is where they would prefer to stay. I did not mind one bit.
Body
Cleansing my body was an obvious next step.
It started with chiropractor. I accumulated some lower back and hip damage over the years that I had never really worked through. Needless to say carrying an insane amount of boxes up and down the stairs 3 days in a row didn't help (of course I was helping the movers! why would I trust them to handle it on their own? they worked hard to keep up with my speed, and my nick name quickly changed from Beautiful to Muscles as I was offered a job with their moving company).
My chiropractor examined the damage with silent look of disapproval and started working on the alignment of my spine, removing subluxations and allowing for a "free flow of energy". I could totally feel the shift. I am familiar with chakras and concepts of energy flow - it just intuitively makes sense to me. I feel it when I do yoga and visualize it when I meditate. So the whole notion of interdependence between spine alignment and energy flow was right up my alley. Energy is like water - we don't want it to get stagnant. It is most alive and vibrant when it is moving freely.
Interesting, but hardly surprising thing was the location of my injury - lower back and hips - also a nest of second chakra, responsible for feeling emotions. My chiropractor made a point of stressing how incredibly tight my hips were. I guess that's what I get for stuffing down my emotions for all this time. Now, after I get adjusted, I usually feel immediate physical relief. But after awhile (few hours or next day) I get this clouds of weird seemingly irrational mood changes that take me places, as if some old reservoir of feelings is being release in the main stream of my consciousness. Not always pleasant, but insightful nevertheless.
The chiropractor also suggested a cleanse. I decided it was a perfectly appropriate idea and got on the bus immediately (how did I not think of that myself?). I started a 12 day herbal cleanse that called for very simple diet and lots of water. This made me really mindful of the food I ate. Because I simplified my meals my taste buds became more sensitive and appreciative. It took away my cravings and the stress of overcomplicating my meals. I would eat oats with chia and hot water, or baked potatoe and think it was the most flavorful thing on the planet. I became significantly more attuned to my body, able to differentiate between the feelings of actual hunger versus "tired" or "bored". My body felt lighter, calmer, more still.
The cleanse also made me think of how I ate, which was arguably even more impactful for my life than what I ate.
Most of the time I pretty much inhale food as fast as I can because I'm running somewhere. I have made myself so busy that I would rarely sit down and pay attention to what I was eating. Which is totally contradictive of me, since I love food so much and believe in its healing properties! Yet I personally don't take time to appreciate it. So I made a few changes.
I made a point to sit down. In silence. Look at my nourishment, appreciate all the work that went into it, say a gratitude prayer and actually chew the food. All the way. Maybe even put down the fork in between bites. Slow down, breath, taste, enjoy...This was a BIG and uncomfortable deal for me. Eating in silence? Not even reading??? But I could be solving world's problems right now?! Nope.
Taking food is a ritual and I can be either mind-ful or mind-less about it. It can be a ritual of sharing love, receiving blessings and nurturing my body, or a mundane act that does not satisfy me because I am not present for it. How I approach it is a conscious choice.
Slowing down was a true challenge. At first I would commit to saying a quick prayer and practicing just 10 minutes of mindful eating at the beginning of each meal. I would force myself to look at my plate, investigate the colors and textures. I would give a thought to where certain ingredients came from. I would take a breath. I would focus on tasting the food. May I just say it is mind-blowing how much flavor can be uncovered from plain whole foods when they don't have to compete for your attention with the most recent episode of a TV show or an endless stream of social media update.
Today multitasking during a meal no longer seems natural, but more like an intrusion on my personal space. I still occasionally do it, but I try to avoid it as much as I can. When I am at work - I love eating my lunch on the roof. If I am very short on time and have to eat at my desk - I will at least try to turn away from the computer and not be looking at my emails for 10 minutes.
Regardless of the consequences, I am grateful to have whatever time and resources I have(and a chair!) to sit down for a meal. I feel privileged to have such variety of food, and to be knowledgable enough to make choices that nourish and heal my body. I like tasting, exploring flavors, feeling textures. My new favorite thing is eating on my balcony, breathing in fresh air in silence interrupted only by the trees nearby, observing humming birds who slowly are growing used to me. I fully intend to keep up this new habit.
***
Some other things I did to cleanse my body inside and out were massages, salt baths and scrubs (talk about shedding some skin!). I cut off some hair to lighten up my head and thoughts. I took off nail polish. (We, girls, know how weird your bare nails look after you have been wearing nail polish or gel for awhile). But why not? Cut my nails too while I am at it.
I kept gaining momentum and the exterior was next in line.
Exterior
Same rules applied - I was looking to let go, simplify, go with less, so I can differentiate between me and everything else.
"You've got to know yourself so you can at last be yourself." - D. H.Lawrence
Serenbe Farms, Atlanta GA - August 2017 Photo by Kari Ruff @flamingophoto
Make up, jewelry, style in general - can be an artistic medium of self-expression, empowering tool that increases self-confidence. Especially for women. Especially today.
But it can also become a disabling shield many grow crippled without.
Today I refuse to let it be my master.
When I am feeling weak, or angry, or just off - heels, bright lipstick and a pair of cool earrings can make me feel like a Wonderwoman. But I don't want to rely on that. I want my strength to come from within, not depend on some outwardly trinkets. I want my beauty to come from within. I want to feel it, channel it, embrace it, manifest it into existence coloring my surroundings with it. I don't want to look beautiful because of something I am wearing. I want to make that something look beautiful because I am wearing it. I want to wear the clothes, instead of letting it wear me. I want to be the kind of beautiful that makes other people feel beautiful in their own skin. And in order to do that and I have to embrace and love my true self exactly the way I am now. Thats where it all starts.
If I can not find love for the girl underneath the armor, I won't truly love her even if she is sitting on a throne. And so I learn.
Serenbe Farms, Atlanta GA - August 2017 Photo by Kari Ruff @flamingophoto
So I tried to wear as little things as possible (within appropriate boundaries of course, I know - boring!) being mindful of how it made me feel.
I took off my bracelets, rings, earrings and necklaces. Beyond chasing trends, most of my jewelry has a special meaning - its an amulet, or a good luck charm, or a reminder, or an affirmation, or an enhancer for my special powers, or a weapon... Just kidding on the last one. Or am I?
Going without it made me feel exposed. As if there were suddenly holes in my armor. But discomfort didn't last long, as my shell healed and became whole again.
I also love bright, bold, weird statement pieces. Life is just more fun that way. Then I thought of the words I sometimes hear: "Oh, that dress ( hair / bag / outfit / necklace / pair of glasses ) is so "YOU"!" Ever heard that? Well, actually it's not me... And if that is all people notice, then what is me? Do I love all the bold stuff because its fun? Or am I hiding behind it? Do I even have enough of me to hide? Note taken for some homework to do.
***
Venturing out without makeup, hair products, heels and other swagger components definitely made me feel more self-conscious and vulnerable. Suspiciously though, people around didn't faint or even seem to notice (must have been a conspiracy!). Today, I care much less about what other people think, but the fact that I didn't receive any "OMG what happened to you?!" questions felt reassuring. I don't even use that much make up, so it was interesting to learn how much of a difference it still makes for my self-confidence.
Through my experiments I identified the areas that need work. I learned that I am absolutely my biggest critic, and often hold myself to unreasonably high stadards.
I think that for me the solution lies in balance. I am not saying I will not be getting dolled up any more. Quite the opposite. My challenge lies in, first, accepting myself with all the imperfections and learning to love myself as I am. So that anything else I add to my appearance is a celebration of my self-love and expression of my value for beauty, rather then an attempt to hide, rooted in fear of not being good enough.
***
Going forward I know that my loud laughter, ridiculous statements, overexcited spirit and bright style is not a shield or a mask. It is an extension of a person I am. It is an expression of my love for myself and the world around me. I don't rely on it, as I know now that I will be just fine without. But it is an enhancer, something that is attracted to me. It is the best way I know to live for today.
I do have to keep it in check. And taking breaks like this one is a great way to do it.
Mind
My mind is always loud.
Its always busy, thinking, planning, scheming, inquiring, learning, dreaming. Its like a NASCAR track inside my head, where my thoughts are constantly competing for the first place, sworming in circles at unimaginable speed while thousands of spectators are cheering in anticipation of an accident. Neither my actions, nor my words can keep up with that. It is fun. Until it's exhausting.
I love learning. I am always curious. So I am always consuming information in some shape or form. If I cannot read - I listen to audio books or podcasts – in shower, in car, while cleaning or cooking; I watch documentaries and TED talks while eating (unless im juggling something else). If not knowledge, I absorb music and let my soul dance away to the beat of the song picking up its mood.
But what is my mood? Do I pick the content that fits my mood, or does my mood bend to fit the content of the information I consume? It was a perfect month to figure it out. And so I set in silence. I drove in silence, hiked in silence, cleaned, ate, walked – I made it my goal to get as much silence as I could and just listen, listen to what was coming from within.
Aaaaand... Absolutely nothing was coming through. At least at the beginning. And it felt excruciating. I felt bored. Empty. It seemed like a waste of time. The time I had so little of.
"To hear, one must be silent." - Ursula K. Le Guin
Sunset at Stone Mountain, GA - August, 2017
Then I relaxed into it. And my mind relaxed with me. As soon as I stopped focusing on the misery of it... As soon as I stopped expecting a miracle - a miracle happened. As it usually does. A profound feeling of peace swept over. The notion that it will all be Ok. In fact it already is Ok.
The feeling of constant rushing slowly fell away. I realized I was not rushed by the events in my life, I was rushed by my thoughts about the events. The notion of there being only 24 hours in a day felt significantly less daunting.
All this years my brain and my heart were mutually intimidated by each other, so each stayed on their own side of the street. My time spent in silence allowed all of us to become friends again. Talk and feel things out.
Because there was less noise I was able to hear my own voice. It was so quite at the beginning, like a child who gave up crying because the parent never came. But I was finally showing up and it grew louder as I nurtured it with the attention it needed. I learned so much from it. Above all, I learned the importance of having a voice in the first place. I will not let that go.
Social Media Fast
The addiction to social media can be a huge topic of its own.
Like many other forces, social media can be a vehicle of change or a tool of self-destrucion. We get to choose. It is extremely powerful. And as with all things powerful, it carries a responsibility. If we don't come at it with intention - it will consume us with its own agenda.
Unfortunately today many fall pray to the pressure of appearing perfect on their social media feed, disregarding what is truly happening in their lives. As soon as we begin comparing ourselves to others or blindly believing what we see without asking questions, we are no longer active participants, but passive consumers who are being used and manipulated. Henry David Thoreau described this phenomena before Facebook ever came around.
“Men have become the tools of their tools.”
Social media is designed at its core to be a world of temptation and addictive stimulation, relying on basic evolutionary physiological human triggers. It is their product. That is how they make money. I cannot argue with that. Just like I cannot argue with bakery trying to make the tastiest cake they can. It is their product. Thats how they make money.
But what I can do is to act intentionally and decide how I want to use this powerful medium.
What is my intention? How do I choose to utilize this power?
I draw inspiration, find motivation and soak in the wisdom from this medium. I have learned about many life-changing events and met remarkable people through social networks and will be forever grateful for that. Because I get so much from the amazing people and organizations I choose to follow, I feel the responsibility to share my truth with the hope that it may help someone in the same way that it helps me. But in order to share my truth I have to first know what that truth is. And I have to make sure its authentic. Its me.
“You owe it to yourself to be yourself.”
I am far from perfect, and so is my relationship with social media. While leveraging the positive side of social networks as much as I can, I am not protected from the pitfalls. Sometimes I get caught up in the feed and lose track of time. If I am not careful, I begin the comparing game. I get self-conscious.
Between the move, all the cleansing efforts and some additional lessons life was throwing my way I felt rather drained emotionally. Pain and sadness were my frequent companions, as I was allowing myself to feel more. Sharing my usual positive message on social media did not feel honest at that time, and I was not courageous enough to be vulnerable and share my struggles.
I just wanted some uninterrupted time with myself to process it all. It felt right to get off the grid. It seemed like an opportunity for another self-experiment, a chance to get clarity about how social media and my participation in it was effecting me.
So I just stopped checking my Facebook and Instagram. At the beginning I thought it would just last a day or two. Then I thought a week should do it. And then it became 2, and then 3 weeks.
It actually was easier than I expected. It immidiately created more space in my mind and more time in my day. It made it easier to focus on present moment, experiencing it fully, instead of thinking about angle for a picture or a witty phrase for a caption. "Unplugging" is a perfect word for what I have experienced. All the outside drama stayed where it belongs - outside. I was not a part of the network restlessly buzzing with opinions, comments and requests. I felt... Relaxed. Present. Detached.
Social media fast was an important component that helped me alleviate the outside noise and get closer to my core, to explore my inner world.
Taking this uninterrupted time to get to know me gave me a better prospective of how I want to show up. Because I do. I definetely want to show up. Like the absolute best, royally authentic, brutally honest, infectiously passionate, perfectly flawed me. That is my aspiration. I want to make the best of this tool. Utilize its power. I have a lot to learn from all the amazing warriors out there. And I want to share my truth because I feel responsible to do so, it is one of the ways I can give back and pay forward for the miracles in my life.
During times like today, with all the violence, suffering and ignorance, with superficial values and misguided assumptions, we need all the truth we can channel to be spoken out loud. I want to be an active participant. And I want to do so while staying true to myself.
I can share my message of strength, courage and positivity when that is what I feel. But I can also be sad and vulnerable, and trust that I will get the support that I need from my tribe. Being sad is a part of being real, as much as I hate to admit it. This is where some work will lie ahead for me.
“...once you are real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”
Sitting with emotions
Meditation was already a part of my daily routine. But because I spent so much time with myself, in silence, removed from many distractions and relieved from cravings I was able to be significantly more present and mindful on daily and hourly basis.
"She saw that all phenomena arose, abided, and fell away. She saw that even knowing this arose, abided, and fell away. Then she knew there was nothing more than this, no ground, nothing to lean on, stronger than the cane she held. Nothing to lean upon at all, and no-one leaning... And she opened the clenched fist in her mind and let go, and fell, into the midst of everything."
The whole month seemed like one long (not always successful but nevertheless) meditation. Getting quite and bringing my focus inward. Being an observer of my thoughts, a listener to my inside voices. Feeling full range of the feelings that were coming up and sitting in the discomfort. Not running away for a change. Not stuffing the feelings down and pretending I'm fine, but actually facing them, accepting them and allowing them to pass through my heart.
We are not reservoirs, we are channels. We are not meant to store things, but to let them pass through. Emotions are no exception.
“Sometimes the only way out is through.”
My way of dealing with "negative" emotions used to be not dealing with them at all. I would just ignore the parts I didn't like. I mean who likes being sad, hurt, angry or scared? Not me.
But as good as it sounds, avoidance was not the answer. I drew a line between what I could and couldn't control in a wrong place. I could not un-see, un-know, un-feel the things I was exposed to. The unacknowledged pain, sadness and anger were eating me from the inside and I was not even aware of that. I had to let it out. And the worst part - I had to be patient with that.
As if they were wild animals who have been been caged in fear and frustration, my emotions required some caseous handling. I had to open the cages, step away for awhile, and create a lot of space. I had to get really quite and just wait. Wait until those beasts felt safe enough to step out on their own and gracefully retrieve into bewilderedness...
Today my line what I can and cannot control is in a different place. I get to have emotions. And its feels good to feel my feelings.
I dont have to react. I don't have to act out. But I have to let the feelings and emotions pass through. I can channel that energy. Into art, or physical exercise, or something else. I just can't trap it inside. That is where my line lies today - in the space between feeling and acting upon what I am feeling.
Today I find my full range of feelings and emotions to be a beautiful and rightful attribute of being human. My life is colored with my emotions. Why would I limit myself to only half of palette? To create a masterpiece I must use all the colors on the spectrum. It adds depth and makes bright colors pop even brighter.
***
Lessons learned in meditation proved useful in my month of solitude and exploration. Main of those lessons was being an observer. Observing the thinker. Observing the feeler. But not engaging with them. As if I was opening the doors of my being to these guests: letting them stay for awhile, tell their stories, gift their gifts of wisdom, but always remembering - they are only guests, they will deliver their message and go on their way. This too shall pass.
Rituals
Rituals may seem trivial. Like they don't have a place in a busy world of educated people.
I certainly used to think that. But not anymore.
I have a theory.
Many life events, shifts and changes are not visible to the eye, they happen on the deeper level and don't have a outward "thing" we can touch or feel to give it substance. Us - humans - we need to see it to believe it, to touch it and feel it. We perform rituals to make these internal events tangible, to validate them, maybe prove to ourselves they they did, in fact, happen. Think marriage, or graduation, or any celebration for that matter: what happens on the inside - commitments and accomplishments - we dress it up in white poofy dresses, make cakes about it and sign paperwork. Funny enough it works for our brains, crystalizes the change and we believe it more as it becomes material to us.
Many changes took place for me this month, but they were all internal and so I found myself performing rituals that helped my silly human brain acknowledge the change, crystallize it and make it tangible. Every single ritual brought me more peace as I felt a sense of closure on the parts of my life I was letting go of.
Burn a few things
Playing with fire is only bad for those who burn themselves.
Ok, burning stuff is a must when you are entering a new chapter and leaving things behind! It may be corny, or cliche, but it works. And its fun! As long as you don't burn yourself.
Just watching the flames as they devour the last bits of helpless remains of your, now, past turning it into ashes - there is something about the visual of it happening right in front of your eyes. You begin to believe that it no longer exists. It has no power over you. It is a new moment. New chapter. New life.
"It takes courage to love, but pain through love is the purifying fire which those who love generously know." - Eleanor Roosevelt
There are many dimensions to fire and its powers. For me it was not about the anger, or revenge. Not one bit. It was about about that merciless loving force that occasionally burns the the trees tops so the sunlight can reach the dark forgotten corners on the ground and spur new life. My fire was a purifying and healing kind. And I let it burn as long as it needed to be no longer thirsty.
Saying goodbye to my old home
After moving my very last belongings from my old apartment I made it a point to clean things up. I believe we are very much responsible for cleaning up the mess we make after ourselves.
I vacuumed the carpets, swept the floors, wiped all the surfaces and cabinets, cleaned the fridge. While doing that I imagined all the cleaning that was happening on a deeper level as well. All the old stale energy getting renewed with light, crisp and fresh vibes. I wanted to leave my apartment in the best condition possible, so that the new tenants would feel great there, and they would love it as much as I did. I felt like I was leaving behind a friend, and I wished she would be happy.
After the cleaning was done, I lit up a piece of Palo Santo that I had ("Holy wood" used by Incas for purification and cleansing purposes) and walked through the apartment, getting every corner, praying, meditating and thanking for all the beautiful moments and love I have received there. Finally, I set down in what I thought was the middle of the the whole space, got quite and spent some time saying my goodbyes, sinking in gratitude and forgiveness...
***
As I walked out and closed the door behind me I was still in a daze. I grabbed few last trash bags and some last boxes that I was intending to throw out. They were waiting outside as I was finishing up my ritual. As soon as I started walking down the stairs I realized that it began to rain. It was a regular hot "Hot-lanta" day earlier, with a clear blue sky. But now it had this beautiful warm gentle rain bracing my skin, as if it was a finishing touch for my ritual, washing away the remains of my past, bringing closure. As if a sign from the universe that I was on the right course.
It is possible to cry and be profoundly happy at the same time.
Don's judge a person, until you walk a mile in their shoes
Everyone has their journey. When we meet someone, we don't just meet a person at that moment, we meet their whole journey. Understanding that is compassion.
There is so much symbolism around shoes and paths, so many sayings. And for a good reason.
My old Brooks - they have a special place in my heart. I got those shoes exactly a year ago, when I just moved to Atlanta. It was the beginning of the rest of my life.
Somewhere in my past life, September 2016
I absolutely loved them. They just felt right from the very first time I put them on. They looked great, they were comfortable, AND they were vegan (not kidding, most Brooks are vegan apparently). And so I wore them everywhere - trail runs, dance classes, mountain climbs and everything in between.
I love exploring my surrounding, as well as push my limits, on my feet. That is how I let out anger, find inspiration, get clarity, resolve dilemmas. So me and my Brooks have done a lot of learning together and shared many special moments.
I recently realized how torn up my shoes have gotten. Past year's walk took its tall, leaving some noticeable damage and see-through holes. But what stroke me was that I was not upset about it. I was excited actually. How awesome is it that I needed to let go of my shoes not because I no longer loved them, not because I was bored with them, not because they were out of style or their quality sucked, but because I loved and used them so much that they actually literary ran out of energy to give me! I mean we covered some miles with those babies!
I knew we made the absolute best of our time together. They served their purpose. We climbed many mountains, danced many dances, ran trails beautiful and muddy, sometimes simultaneously. This past year was a beautiful journey and those shoes took me through it all.
This past year was a beautiful journey. Thank you for putting on this path, I will take it from here.
Top of Stone Mountain, GA - August 2017
And so we danced the last dance. And watched the last sunset. We set on top of the mountain and I held them in my arms meditating in gratitude and reflecting on the breathtaking and heartbreaking views we have witnessed together, all the sweat and tears, all the joy and laughter. That was our last ritual.
We don't always get to say proper goodbyes. I was greatful for this opportunity.
Top of Stone Mountain, GA - August 2017
That sunset was the last time I wore them. They set in my apartment for a few weeks until recently. I couldn't figure out what to do with the shoes, how to properly dispose of them... Dropping them to trash was a no-go. I had an idea of tying laces together and throwing them on a wire somewhere, but it didn't feel right either, because they would be stuck, trapped (which seems terrible if you are a running shoe!). I also had my reservations about setting anymore fires... I ended up recycling them with shoe donation organization and felt content at last. I hope that they get to cover some new grounds with another beautiful soul.
Total eclipse of the heart
And then there was the Solar Eclipse of August 21, 2017.
It was one of those rituals that were totally accidental. I did not make any special plans to watch the eclipse and stayed pretty ignorant in general about the uniqueness or the meaning of the whole thing.
I was at work that Monday and was scheduled to have meetings at the time of the eclipse. Somehow last minute a meeting got canceled and my amazing coworker Zach had an extra pair of glasses. So we ran on the roof of the hospital where I work to get a glimpse.
I had zero expectations and was just grateful for the last minute opportunity.
Where we were in Atlanta it was 97 or 98% totality. There was a midsize crowd of hospital employees and a few patients who joined us on the roof.
It was a cloudy day and the sun kept hiding on and off.
Soon the moon became visible making its grand appearance in front of the sun. Colors began changing and shadows became crisper... And then of course came the cloud covering the whole scene. Everyone boo-ed in disappointment.
I was in my own world by this point, staring at the sky. The sounds of the crowd behind slowly dissipated. At this point clouds were more of a thin translucent curtain, and you could see the silhouettes of the action behind it. Eclipse was approaching.
Atlanta sky, August 2017
Right before the eclipse was at its peak, clouds yielded, as if lifting the curtain and letting us in on the secret. Serendipity or not, it felt magical. The moment felt somehow significant. It felt like a a flip of an enormous page, a beginning of a new era. I was soaking it in with an open heart and an open mind. I realized it was completely reflective of what was happening in my life. But I also felt like it was much bigger then me. I felt driven to make a wish, set an intention. And so I did.
The clouds covered the sun again. And then it was over.
When sun showed up back from the clouds it seemed extra bright. It was the same beautiful warm sun, but there was something different about it. As if it was changed by its encounter with the moon...
Atlanta sky, August 2017
After sharing my experience with few friends I did some research about the meaning of the eclipse and its energetic influence. I learned that it signified transformation, change. Especially for my zodiac sign. How fitting. I will play along.
Rising Sun
It was the end of August at this point. I have been "cleansing" for almost a month now.
On one hand I have started gaining more and more peace and serenity. Without the usual destructions of all the information flow and noise from social media, and with all the self-reflection and time spent in silience and solitude I felt so still. I had so little worry... I actually began worrying that I was not worrying enough (true story).
On the other hand I was getting anxious to be a more active participant in my life again. I have rested enough and was ready to get back in the game. Reconnect. Play my part. State my case. And I felt like I needed some graduation or kick-off ritual to commemorate it.
Well... All good things start with a sunrise. At the ocean of course.
There is something so magical about watching the sun cross the horizon and welcoming a new day. Clean slate. New beginning. There is so much hope. So much space for miracles. Sunrises always had a special place in my life from childhood.
“I love that this morning’s sunrise does not define itself by last night’s sunset.”
I love waking up when it is still dark out. The time right before the dawn is filled with mystery. I can get in on Nature's secrets. Get a glimpse if her magic kitchen, before she serves up the day to the World.
***
The idea was to go in the ocean before the sun came up; swim, cleanse, meditate; watch the sunrise, setting intentions and making wishes; and then, when fully ready, step into the sun rays of my new life as a renewed me.
***
If there was something powerful enough to wash away the remnants of my past it would be the Ocean. Salty, calm, powerful, vast body of water, melting away the very last bits of tension, anything that was still burdening me. Warm touch on my skin. Gentle, loving, compassionate, purifying vibration through my soul.
My heart was sinking in forgiveness. For myself. For other souls. For life consequences that had no soul.
I took some time swimming, praying and meditating, as the sun crossed the horizon, emerging from the same body of water I was in.
I left the past to where it belongs. That part was complete.
But I was hesitant to move forward, to come out of the water and step into this "new me". How was I supposed to know I was ready? I was waiting for a sign that it was ok for me to come back to interconnectedness, to action. I felt like I needed some kind of approval from the outside, some kind of symbol. I was basically waiting for the sky to open up and some divine being drop out of there levitating and hand me my Welcome to your new life packet...
And then I realized that it was up to me to make that decision.
“Being ready is an opportunity that’s common in every moment to act upon, not an opportunity to wait for.”
Faith is believing in not yet seen. It is taking a step and trusting that the ground will rise to meet your feet and support you. The decision was mine all along. And so I made it. I decided to act as if I was strong enough, courageous enough, wise enough to come out of the ocean into a fresh new day. Step into my new life. As a renewed me.
So, I close my eyes to old ends, and openly heart to new beginnings. - Nick Frederickson
And you know what happened? As I was walking out I looked back at the beautiful sun now shining high in the sky and saw dolphins. A beautiful pair. That was my true sign. That was the Universe rising up to catch my step.
When I lived in Charleston, SC I used to run to the harbor or over the Revenel bridge and sometimes I would see dolphins. It was always my lucky charm. A loving sign from the universe that I was not alone. And here they were again.
Dolphins...
I felt safe at home in this vast beautiful world. I felt I was exactly where I needed to be. Who I needed to be. On the right path. Taking the steps I needed to take. Everything was falling into place...
***
There were many other rituals I arranged or was a participant in. Some of them too small, or too personal to mention. But with every single one I felt more relief. Every single one opened some door, released something painful, beautiful, or both, leaving me free-er, helping me to let go.
And the smoke was gone
Another cool piece of the puzzle... Remember the cigarette smoke issue at my new apartment? Well the ozone machine never fixed it. So the maintenance people were working to schedule carpet cleaners to come and take care of it.
When I came back home from SC sunrise and walked in the apartment - the smoke was gone. I completely forgot about it, but I guess the cleaners came in while I was away. It was just perfect timing. After all the cleansing, followed by the sunrise, symbolizing the beginning of new chapter, the universe came through as always giving me another sign of its divine presence. The lingering energy of a previous life vanished and my apartment was mine now, to nurture, to decorate and relax into as I pleased.
Forging meaning
At times, in the moments of quite and solitude, I felt so much space around me that it felt empty. I would wonder what is the meaning of it all? Is there a meaning? All my rituals, all my feelings, all my dreams - is there actually something behind it? Or is it all just an invention of an over-complicated human mind seeking to justify its existence?
I gave it a lot of thought. It would have been comforting to somehow know for sure that there is more to this world, but then there would not be any reason for faith, would there?
The conclusion I made for myself - I have a choice. I side with quantum mechanics pros (I am obviously an expert!) about the power that the observer has to effect the phenomenon she is observing. My perception of reality is my reality. The world I perceive is the world I live in. The way I see the world effects everything in it. Don't underestimate your power.
And so I choose to see miracles. I don't look for a meaning. I forge meaning from pain and suffering. I choose to see beauty. I choose to learn through love. It is all up to me.
In the moments of dark contemplation, when doubt creeps in, I know that the path I choose will affect where I go.
Self love is selfless
One of other realizations that dawned on me during this time was that self-love is not selfish. Quite the opposite - it is actually self-less. In order to love myself fully and wholesomely I have to step outside my ego. I have to be able to look at myself honestly, as I am, at this exact moment, really see my flaws, see my assets, get to know myself, my true self... I have to accept this whole package deal and resume loving it passionately. If ego is in my way - I become unwilling to see the flaws: I would want to cover them up, blame on others people or circumstance, wish them away.
No. I have to let all of it go. Accept myself for who I am today, and love myself despite, or maybe because of all there is.
Stripping away all my cover ups and shielding mechanisms is painful at times. Creating space for emotions I was hiding away for decades, letting them bleed onto the surface was uncomfortable. But so liberating. So empowering. So captivating to discover myself and get to meet myself on this deeper level...
I learned that self love is a cure. To everything. Love yourself as if your life depended on it. Because it does. And so does everyone else's.
Getting to know myself will be a life time journey as I am growing and evolving. But today I am closer than I have ever been before.
Closing thoughts
Letting go is not really an action, but a paradigme shift.
We don't really own any material possessions in the first place. My car, my home, my shirt - just because I'm touching it, or have a paper that says so doesn't mean anything. Social norms, titles, rules are all made up for our convenience and feeling of security. We are all just guest here.
“We are all just visitors to this time, this place. We are just passing through.
Our purpose is to observe, to learn, to grow, to love... and then we return home.”
Past is in the past. Future has not happened yet. Now is the only moment that matters. As much as I wish, I can not control what is around me. The only thing I can control in this world are my reactions to what happens, and even that is often questionable. In that case the only thing I can be letting go of is the illusion of control. And I don't mind that at all.
“In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.”
Love, Krystyna
